Relationships Coach

Parenting Relationships

Author: Nancy D.

Parenting relationships are hard emotionally, and I think the key ingredient in parenting relationships is for the parent to manage their emotions, so that parenting is done from a system rather than an emotion.

I have never loved like I love my kids, and I have never been angry like I can get angry at my kids, and teaching them over and over about important tasks like cleaning up the snack debris and the bedroom and bathroom debris and the fire pit debris and keeping them safe, those tasks demand energy and discipline and I fear that when I teach them sternly, they will withdraw their love.

For example, we got my daughter a trampoline for her 5th birthday, and she and her almost 11 year old brother have been playing on it occasionally, and one of the neighbors stopped by recently to let us know that one of my son’s friends and my son had been tormenting her in tandem one day, when they were all on the trampoline, with some very cruel name calling, so cruel that Bill said it bordered on abuse, and he wanted us to know.

I was really shocked that Shane could do that, and really shocked that he allowed Brandon, who is almost 11 also, to participate.

It is a clear case of bullying, and a clear case of abuse of power, and I found it disturbing, and I let him know that I was very upset about it.

So Shane talked to his mom, and attempted to make the confrontation my fault, and she would not let him off the hook, thank the good Lord.

Those kinds of interactions around those kinds of behaviors, a little more serious than Kiddie Crimes, are very hard on parenting relationships.

I know when those things happen I feel fear, and the thoughts are worrisome for me, because I am always looking for trends about how he is doing.

This is the same kid who loves baseball and improved his game about 100% from last year to this year, who is doing above average with his grades, who is for the most part very adept at friendships.

This is the kid who looks at me with love and asks for time, and occasionally asks for my insights, and this is the kid who does see the need to spend time developing his intellect.

His school work is done as fast as he can get it done and is usually sloppy, and he is developing the ability to dodge my pointed questions.

So how do I balance our relationship so that he knows he is loved and valued, and that I will play and joke, but that I will also be Dad, the rule maker and boundary keeper, and consequence giver if need be.

Sometimes I need to put aside the fear that he will not love me, and just do the right thing, keep the boundary, in hopes that we can talk later about what just happened.

Parenting Relationships and Emotional Regulation

I believe that the most important thing I can do as a parent is to manage the level of intensity I bring to my conversation with my son.

The best tools for that are cognitive and physiological.

I need to remember what I want to teach, and if my emotion is too intense, I will be teaching fear rather than choices and consequences.

The best tool for regulating emotions, and the least expensive, is deep breathing, and with all of my experience with prayer and meditation, I still find myself breathing very shallow in my chest, and actually keeping an adrenalin and cortisol based physiology going on, but I can change that to something much more pleasant by simply taking a few deep breaths, or using heart rate variability biofeedback which is a profoundly useful tool for parenting relationships, and brain fitness, something I want my kids to have lots of.

Heart Based Parenting Relationships

HeartMath, or heart rate variability biofeedback, is based on a new field of study called neurocardiology, or the study of the heart’s own nervous system.

Long story short, I and my heart can learn to work very closely together, heart beat by heart beat, and my heart intelligence is cooperative and affiliative, and if I create my heart rate variability biofeedback physiology before and during parenting, then I will be much more effective at delivering information to my children about consequences to their choices, rather than fear of getting caught and Dad.

I have been using heart rate variability biofeedback personally and teaching it professionally for about 8 years, and I love it.

I can manage my internal physiology and feel good heart beat by heart beat, and I and my family can literally get on the same heart beat, and attend to the family heart beat.

Is this heart rate variability hard to learn? No.

Does heart rate variability have benefits for my health, and my brain fitness?

Most definitely.

Can heart rate variability make a difference for my children’s tests at school?

Absolutely.

Heart rate variability biofeedback is an excellent platform for family relationships, and especially for parenting relationships.

Relationships Coach

Parenting Relationships

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